Writing again on a Tuesday in Georgia from the bus. Just a short excerpt to start a process, whatever that may be. We are traveling to the next town where we will attempt to bring joy to the hearts of those who make the effort to be entertained. It’s a job, and I am glad to have it. I’m one of the few by percentage who can say I am getting paid to do what I love. But today it is hard. I am missing my family and home tremendously. Life on the road has its challenges as well as its fulfillment. Yet, I continue to repeat my mantra: “I am lucky”, trying desperately to believe in it in every moment. Grasping hard, even though the rope is slippery today.
I have ridden an emotional roller coaster this week. I didn’t expect it, but I found myself in the front car, buckled in and unable to change my mind. I chose it. The price has been a lump in my throat that comes and goes with the changing moments of my job. My peers make me laugh just by being who they are, and I cherish that gift they bring to me. But I come back…to the lump.
I got to visit my hometown this week. I saw people I have loved for nearly 30 years, people I haven’t seen in almost as long. To laugh and cry with them was tremendous. Real people. Real life. Real lumps.
I look back on memories, and I wonder if they are real. Or are they just things I memorized? Like historical facts I was asked to regurgitate during a final exam during my school years? Is that what makes a memory? Or is it more than that.
For the first time this week, I experienced first-hand the hole that can be left in someone’s heart. The wound that will never heal – ever! And it is still eating at me, as if it was my own. Maybe I just made it my own…that’s okay. It is a pain that is indescribable, and I’m so sad for those who bear the scars. I’m terrified of owning that hole one day, too.
Make positive memories – always! It is not a cliche: “Life is short”. It can be taken away in an instant. What’s important to you? Is it money? Family? A job? What are the memories you will memorize? Will they make you smile or bring a lump?
And in the words written by Sheryl Sandburg, “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”.
Now DO it! Live it, and make it a reality, not a memory…Memories are too painful, especially when they begin with, “I wish I had…”. You don’t get to change your mind when your life changes in that instant. Think about it…